either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
