Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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