Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
