TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
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