Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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