god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
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