I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
