I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
