note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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