When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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