Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
