I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
