Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
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