good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
she woke up with a sticky ear
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
whatever, you made your decision to be a responsible student and where did it get you? a pushed back exam and no blowjob.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
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