Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
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