theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
We left the knife in your bed.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
