My Higher Power is John Stamos
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
But break dance skills will only take you so far
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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