guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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