Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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