If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
