She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
