only you would photoshop your dick
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
