I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
