My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Never underestimate the power of titties
Randomize
