sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
