Tell her she can't have a vagina
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
