I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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