Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
