Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
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