he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
