I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
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