At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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