i love accidental penises.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Randomize
