If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
