Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
