at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
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