So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
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