I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
You brought string cheese to the strip club
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
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