So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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