Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
