everyone is single if you try hard enough
I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
