Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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