my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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