I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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