It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
