He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
i understand you have values and thats awesome, all i want to help you do is forget about them breifly
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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