70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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