Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
Randomize
