come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
