You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
