He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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