this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
