ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
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